I was thinking about something last night and decided to share it. I was telling Shane about one significant change that I have noticed in myself since I have become a mom. Before Ryan came along our dogs were our life. They were like our children, even though I still love my little pigs to death, they are not my children anymore. I used to watch movies and would never get sad when a child was hurt or would die. It was always the dog that I felt bad for. I remember saying numerous times, before Ryan was born, that I didn't know if I could love him more than my dog, Brady. (I want everyone out there to know that I know how awful that sounds...I'm just sharing my experience. Please don't think I'm a horrible by blogging this!)
I was watching a TV show the other day where a mother was refusing to vaccinate her two younger children because her oldest son had autism, and she felt that the vaccines were the cause. One of the boys ended up dying from the measles, which was the result of her not properly vaccinating her child. I was literally weeping; a sobbing mess. I thought to myself...OK, I get it.
To get to my point, I truly believe that a mothers relationship with her son is something really special. Its nothing like the father daughter dynamic (although its is also very special its not the same), I know this because I have a dad and well I'm his daughter. Before having our son, I never really understood the mothers role. Growing up without one myself, I just didn't get it. Not that I regret not having a mother, I think it better prepared me for what could happen if I ever checked out. My dad did a fantastic job all by himself, and sometimes a happy home is much better than living in an unhappy, unbroken, but actually "broken" home.
Before having a baby, people always say "You just don't understand until you have one or you have no idea." Blah blah...and as self righteous as that sounds coming from other first timers, its true. You cant understand this type of love until you have experienced it first hand, it's that black and white. Being pregnant and actually being ready are two complately different things. You can be pregnant and be ready to be a parent, but I think that the maternal instincts don't actually kick in until you are standing there, the kids staring at you, and is completely dependant on you for everything. Something just clicks. It is the feeling of not believing that the hospital let you bring this baby home, how do they know that you can take care of this thing? Parenthood is sooooooo much harder than I ever thought it would be. Of course, I have the hang of it now. But in the beginning, its constant second guessing and the fear of just not knowing. I was prepared to be a mom, but looking back, I don't think I was ever emotionally ready. I had all of his wardrobe, diapers, toys and gear bought and ready to go months before he was here. But I still doubted being capable of raising another human being. I know some of my friends still look at me, after 6 months, and think to themselves "why is she doing that? or That's not the right way to do that." I wish I could tell people to go have one, then you will understand, but I don't think that would be the right thing for them in most cases. I know my kid better than ANYONE, that includes his father. I spend ever waking second with my kid...day in and day out.
My advice to any new first time mom or anyone that is thinking about having a baby...I have no advice for you. Your friends, your mom, your sisters...They don't either. Every kid is different. And thank God for it!! I would hate for my child to be just like yours and I hope you feel the same. I can share my experiences but everything I went through most likely wont be your same experience. I'm by no means an expert and I don't claim to be...I take everyday one day at a time. That's what works for me.
So any who, I am blessed to have the honor of being Ryan's mom. I'm so proud of what we made and how great we are raising him. And as I sit here, and listen to him cry in his crib because he doesn't want to nap, I know that he is safe and we have the best relationship. He will grow up to be a good man and husband. And he will always love his mommy.
This is in NO WAY intended to be hurtful to anyone. This is not directed at anyone in particular. This is just my experience and feelings that I wanted to share. This is a public website and I am entitled to my opinions. Freedom of speech and God Bless America!!
